I define dating as the process of getting to know one or more persons by spending time together engaging in a variety of activities. Dating is not an exclusive partnership, but it is a time of exploration. In this article I’m giving tips on the boundaries that should exist when you are exploring your options.
Good. Let’s jump right into it!
- Keep your individual identity. This might be the most common mistake people in romantic relationships make. Whether the reasons are religious, traditional, societal or personal, many couples take on a joint identity. Some do so on purpose. Some are oblivious. But it starts long before you even enter into a commitment. It starts when you pretend to be interested in the things they’re interested in so you’ll win them over. It starts when you become so infatuated that you stop doing the things you used to do so you can spend more time with them. It starts when your whole reason for existence becomes to find the love of another and keep it. But if you can remember to hold on to your identity by maintaining your hobbies, interests, values and not breaking away from your original circle, you will find that you will be valued more for your individuality. Be the person they met and fell in love with. Don’t become the person you think they need you to be, because that’s not who they were interested in in the first place. Ever wonder why you feel so broken or empty when a romantic relationship ends? It’s because somewhere along the line, you forgot all about you and made everything about y’all. Let love, and even just an interest in someone else, be a complement to your already complete life.
- Create time to be missed. Piggy backing off boundary #1, don’t spend every waking moment with someone you are getting to know. Absence makes the heart grow fonder; and you know what else it does? It keeps lust and infatuation at bay. Those two elements might send endorphins rushing, but they also do a really great job at clouding your judgment, which is of utmost importance while you are dating. Taking time apart lets your romantic prospect know that you have a life outside of him or her and that whatever him/her is bringing to the table must be of substance. Time apart gives you time to meet other people and weigh your options if you so choose. At the very least, time apart keeps the interest peaked. It leaves the window to the imagination open. Take your time.
- Explain your mating style. Are you monogamous or polygamous for instance? What is your sexual orientation and how do you identify where gender is concerned? State your expectations or lack thereof, of your arrangement. Will you see other people, or will it just be you two? Do you have gender role expectations? You must ask these questions upfront because these standards vary from person to person. We can no longer assume that someone is on the same page as us just by their appearance. The last thing you want to do is to form a bond with someone only to later on discover that fundamentally a relationship between you could never work. Ask these very basic questions about how they view dating and relationships to know if spending more time together is even worth it.
- Don’t lead with your body. Smell nice, dress well and be confident. But approach the dating process with the most intent on learning about who they are inside. If you introduce sex or too much physical contact too early you will likely overlook character traits and red flags, because touch feels so good. Seek to be liked and loved for who you are, not how sexy you are. Be sexy, but don’t lead with that. Lead with your character, your personality, your story, your interests… you!
- Never snoop or allow snooping. Without trust you have a cardboard box for a floor. You will fall through it. Respect their privacy and demand the same of yours. It’s never a good sign when someone you’re dating wants to know all your whereabouts, needs to know who you’re talking to and what is being said, and is desperate enough for the information to steal it. Anyone found doing this has an unhealthy mistrust of others, which could stem from childhood trauma or past relationships. Either way, you don’t want to sign up for that type of scenario, nor should you inflict that on someone else. It’s unfair.
- Do not be persuaded to adopt a way of life contrary to the one you already subscribe to. You will live to regret it. I’m talking about converting to a new religion or religious practices just to appease your partner, partying when you want to stay at home, committing to globe trotting when you don’t care to see the ends of the earth, positioning yourself to build a family when you rather stay childless… Trust me when I tell you that the charades will end, and it won’t be pretty when it does.
- Tell enough to reveal who you are but keep enough to maintain discretion. For instance, you can say that you have 3 failed relationships, but no need to say that you’ve slept with 100 people. What’s the purpose of that disclosure besides raising unnecessary red flags?
Have a specific question about someone you are currently dating? I’d love to hear about it on my Advice Column. Tell me about your situation here and look for a response on Juanita Fix My Love, which airs live on Wednesday nights at 8pm with my cohost on Facebook.
You’re welcome.
Yours Truly,
Juanita Michelle
LMSW | Life Reinvention Coach | Lifestyle Blogger
Be Bold. Be Free. Be You. Period.